16. Controlling Anger --And Jumping to Conclusions
I learned many important lessons in life from my dear mother, Ruth Allen Miles. I've mentioned her in here before, and will often I think. The lesson which I will talk about, I quote from our life story book, page 343:
ON ANGER MANAGEMENT:
When I was about in the 7th grade, when our family home was still a basement, I remember some Saturday, Mom had left me in charge of my two sisters while she was gone. I was to see they did their jobs. I don't remember who came , or what I did or said, but I guess I was quite rude to one of Vina's friends. When Mom got home, Vina told her of what I'd done, and Mom said, "Pal, why did you act like that?" I replied, "I was so angry I didn't know what I was doing." Mother just looked at me thoughtfully for a moment, and then said, "Pal, that is how people commit murder!" I never forgot that, and have tried hard to control my anger since then. That is another strong lesson I learned from my mother. (See photo of my mother, Ruth Allen Miles below.)
In the "Sermon on the Mount", in the Bible, Matthew chapter 5, verses 21 and 22 it says: "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment . . ."
In the Book of Mormon, in 3rd Nephi, when Jesus is talking to people in the Western Hemisphere, the "Sermon on the Mount" has more depth and is well to think about. Notice the subtle differences:
In 3rd Nephi chapter 12, in verses 21 and 22, it says: "Ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, and it is also written before you, that thou shalt not kill, and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment of God; But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. . ."
I used to have a book which was called "Anger Kills!" It was very interesting, and told of the physical effects that anger has on our bodies. It can contribute to high blood pressure, and many other actual physical ills. That can affect how we treat other people, and illnesses we can bring upon ourselves, not to mention the relationships, friendships, marriages, etc. upon which it can inflict irreparable damage.
A hymn in our LDS Hymn Book, number 336 reads:
1. School thy feelings, O my brother; Train thy warm impulsive soul.
Do not its emotions smother, But let wisdom's voice control.
School thy feelings; there is power in the cool, collected mind.
Passion shatters reason's tower, Makes the clearest vision blind. (Chorus is first 2 lines repeated.)
2. School thy feelings; condemnation Never pass on friend or foe,
Though the tide of accusation Like a flood of truth may flow.
Hear defense before deciding, And a ray of light may gleam,
Showing thee what filth is hiding Underneath the shallow stream.
3. Should affliction's acrid vial Burst o'er thy unsheltered head,
School thy feelings to the trial; Half its bitterness hath fled.
Art thou falsely, basely, slandered? Does the world begin to frown?
Gauge thy wrath by wisdom's standard, Keep thy rising anger down.
(It is sung to the tune of "Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy.")
The following story is adapted from an article in Meridian Magazine by Ron McMillan Monday, November 25, 2013. (Meridian Magazine is something I read every day, --5 days a week -- at www.ldsmag.com )
A father paced the floor. His sixteen-year-old daughter was on her first date and promised to be home before midnight. It was 12:35 am. Finally, he heard a key slide in the front door lock, slowly turn, and in snuck his daughter. Before she could even close the door he yelled, “You’re late! You know the rules and you broke your promise.”
As he approached her he could smell beer and immediately exploded. “You have been drinking! You are grounded young lady. You will not go on any dates for six months!” “But Daddy...”
“Don’t you ‘but daddy’ me.” He pointed his finger in her face as a warning. “Now get to your room. Go!” The daughter started crying and ran upstairs. In less than a minute, a painful crucial conversation was handled badly and an important relationship was damaged.
This dad and his daughter were victims of a basic human condition. It’s one of the most studied phenomena in psychology—the fundamental attribution error. Simply stated, it’s the overwhelming human tendency under conditions of stress or perceived harm to assume the worst about other’s motives. (Simply put: Jumping to conclusions ! )
The rest of the story: The next morning, after he cooled off, he sat down with his daughter and demanded to know exactly what happened. Though still hurt and upset, she explained that her date had taken her to a movie and then afterward to ice cream. They had a good time. On their way home, they passed a friend’s house. There were cars parked up and down the street, some even parked on the lawn. Her date said “Party! Let’s go check it out.”
She reminded him, “I have to be home by midnight.” “Don’t worry. I’ll get you home on time,” he replied. The house was crowded with kids and loud music and she could not see evidence of any adult supervision. A lot of the party goers were smoking and drinking. She turned to her date and said “Please take me home”.
He seemed irritated. “I’ll get you home by midnight.” She persisted, “I don’t feel comfortable here. Please take me home.” Angry, he said, “If you want to leave, find your own way home.” Then he joined the party.
She phoned home. The line was busy. She phoned again, still busy. Unbeknownst to her or her parents, her younger sister (against Dad’s rules for her bedtime) was downstairs talking with her friend on the phone. Finally, the daughter called a friend who worked at a restaurant nearby. She explained that she was stranded and he said he would come get her as soon as he got off work at midnight.
As she waited, others offered her a drink. She refused. They insisted. They accidentally spilled beer on her sweater. So, she left the party and sat on the curb, alone in the dark, until her ride came and he drove her straight home. Then, after doing everything her father would have wanted her to do in this situation, he met her at the door, yelled at her, falsely accused her and grounded her.
The irony of the situation is that the daughter did not make Dad mad. The story Dad told himself about his daughter is what made him mad. If he had changed his story, he would have changed his emotions, which in turn would have changed his response. When Dad found out the next morning what happened, he sincerely apologized, but it took several months before the warmth returned to their relationship.
Tomorrow I will have a synopsis of President Thomas S. Monson's talk on this subject, given in October General Conference, 2009. This subject is worth two entries!
This is my mother, Ruth A. Miles, about 1974, when she was a school teacher -- (a school picture).
ON ANGER MANAGEMENT:
When I was about in the 7th grade, when our family home was still a basement, I remember some Saturday, Mom had left me in charge of my two sisters while she was gone. I was to see they did their jobs. I don't remember who came , or what I did or said, but I guess I was quite rude to one of Vina's friends. When Mom got home, Vina told her of what I'd done, and Mom said, "Pal, why did you act like that?" I replied, "I was so angry I didn't know what I was doing." Mother just looked at me thoughtfully for a moment, and then said, "Pal, that is how people commit murder!" I never forgot that, and have tried hard to control my anger since then. That is another strong lesson I learned from my mother. (See photo of my mother, Ruth Allen Miles below.)
In the "Sermon on the Mount", in the Bible, Matthew chapter 5, verses 21 and 22 it says: "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment . . ."
In the Book of Mormon, in 3rd Nephi, when Jesus is talking to people in the Western Hemisphere, the "Sermon on the Mount" has more depth and is well to think about. Notice the subtle differences:
In 3rd Nephi chapter 12, in verses 21 and 22, it says: "Ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, and it is also written before you, that thou shalt not kill, and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment of God; But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. . ."
I used to have a book which was called "Anger Kills!" It was very interesting, and told of the physical effects that anger has on our bodies. It can contribute to high blood pressure, and many other actual physical ills. That can affect how we treat other people, and illnesses we can bring upon ourselves, not to mention the relationships, friendships, marriages, etc. upon which it can inflict irreparable damage.
A hymn in our LDS Hymn Book, number 336 reads:
1. School thy feelings, O my brother; Train thy warm impulsive soul.
Do not its emotions smother, But let wisdom's voice control.
School thy feelings; there is power in the cool, collected mind.
Passion shatters reason's tower, Makes the clearest vision blind. (Chorus is first 2 lines repeated.)
2. School thy feelings; condemnation Never pass on friend or foe,
Though the tide of accusation Like a flood of truth may flow.
Hear defense before deciding, And a ray of light may gleam,
Showing thee what filth is hiding Underneath the shallow stream.
3. Should affliction's acrid vial Burst o'er thy unsheltered head,
School thy feelings to the trial; Half its bitterness hath fled.
Art thou falsely, basely, slandered? Does the world begin to frown?
Gauge thy wrath by wisdom's standard, Keep thy rising anger down.
(It is sung to the tune of "Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy.")
The following story is adapted from an article in Meridian Magazine by Ron McMillan Monday, November 25, 2013. (Meridian Magazine is something I read every day, --5 days a week -- at www.ldsmag.com )
A father paced the floor. His sixteen-year-old daughter was on her first date and promised to be home before midnight. It was 12:35 am. Finally, he heard a key slide in the front door lock, slowly turn, and in snuck his daughter. Before she could even close the door he yelled, “You’re late! You know the rules and you broke your promise.”
As he approached her he could smell beer and immediately exploded. “You have been drinking! You are grounded young lady. You will not go on any dates for six months!” “But Daddy...”
“Don’t you ‘but daddy’ me.” He pointed his finger in her face as a warning. “Now get to your room. Go!” The daughter started crying and ran upstairs. In less than a minute, a painful crucial conversation was handled badly and an important relationship was damaged.
This dad and his daughter were victims of a basic human condition. It’s one of the most studied phenomena in psychology—the fundamental attribution error. Simply stated, it’s the overwhelming human tendency under conditions of stress or perceived harm to assume the worst about other’s motives. (Simply put: Jumping to conclusions ! )
The rest of the story: The next morning, after he cooled off, he sat down with his daughter and demanded to know exactly what happened. Though still hurt and upset, she explained that her date had taken her to a movie and then afterward to ice cream. They had a good time. On their way home, they passed a friend’s house. There were cars parked up and down the street, some even parked on the lawn. Her date said “Party! Let’s go check it out.”
She reminded him, “I have to be home by midnight.” “Don’t worry. I’ll get you home on time,” he replied. The house was crowded with kids and loud music and she could not see evidence of any adult supervision. A lot of the party goers were smoking and drinking. She turned to her date and said “Please take me home”.
He seemed irritated. “I’ll get you home by midnight.” She persisted, “I don’t feel comfortable here. Please take me home.” Angry, he said, “If you want to leave, find your own way home.” Then he joined the party.
She phoned home. The line was busy. She phoned again, still busy. Unbeknownst to her or her parents, her younger sister (against Dad’s rules for her bedtime) was downstairs talking with her friend on the phone. Finally, the daughter called a friend who worked at a restaurant nearby. She explained that she was stranded and he said he would come get her as soon as he got off work at midnight.
As she waited, others offered her a drink. She refused. They insisted. They accidentally spilled beer on her sweater. So, she left the party and sat on the curb, alone in the dark, until her ride came and he drove her straight home. Then, after doing everything her father would have wanted her to do in this situation, he met her at the door, yelled at her, falsely accused her and grounded her.
The irony of the situation is that the daughter did not make Dad mad. The story Dad told himself about his daughter is what made him mad. If he had changed his story, he would have changed his emotions, which in turn would have changed his response. When Dad found out the next morning what happened, he sincerely apologized, but it took several months before the warmth returned to their relationship.
Tomorrow I will have a synopsis of President Thomas S. Monson's talk on this subject, given in October General Conference, 2009. This subject is worth two entries!
This is my mother, Ruth A. Miles, about 1974, when she was a school teacher -- (a school picture).
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