70. "I was only kidding!" Sarcasm, a form of bullying!

I very recently read a comment from a woman in Dear Abby, in our local paper.  She wrote:

You said in your Nov. 14 column on bullying that you hadn't received a single letter from anyone who had bullied others.  Well I was a bully.  As a young girl I'd tease and taunt, and when I was older, I used sarcasm as a way to bully. 
 I was involved in an abusive relationship in my 20s.  With support and counseling, I was able to stop being abused and being abusive.I learned the feelings I had repressed -- shame, fear and low self-worth from a childhood of abuse, were misdirected at the people around me instead of at my abuser, as they should have been.

I read an article in the Ensign Magazine, in August, 2013, which really impressed me.  I have occasionally used sarcasm, and also had it used on me, and I've seen it do a lot of damage to other's self confidence.  Below are excerpts from this article called "No Corrupt Communication", by Jennifer Graces Jones.

I moved away from my college town immediately after graduation and was eager to make friends in my new area. I quickly acclimated to a good group of people, and I enjoyed getting to know them. But some of my new friends relied on sarcasm to be funny, sometimes exploiting others’ weaknesses for humor. At first I ignored it. However, months of interactions in which humor came at the expense of someone’s feelings—including mine—left my heart heavy. I yearned for friends who would encourage me instead of make fun of my shortcomings. 

I returned to my college town for a short visit and reunited with women whom I admire for their faith, vigor, and optimism. We spent the day playing sports and talking. They were eager to hear about my life, and they listened without belittling me. We laughed hard and often—but never at someone else.  I looked into their cheerful faces, and my heart lifted.  I resolved to become a better friend, especially when it came to uplifting others with my conversation.

The Greek root for sarcasm is sarkazein and means “to tear flesh like dogs.” One dictionary defines sarcasm as irony designed to “give pain.” Sarcasm has many uses in our communication: it can convey aggression and insult, it can be used to dominate or bully others, and it can communicate contempt and anger. Not all sarcasm is intentionally sinister, but it has a hypocritical edge and often damages our relationships.

                                                  (I have added the underlining and italics.)

 Sons, Allen, left, and Wayne M., right, carrying Pal to a family reunion in the park, right after foot surgery. I haven't heard these two sons use sarcasm.
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President Gordon B. Hinckley identified the damage that sarcasm inflicts on our relationships:

“Everywhere is heard the snide remark, the sarcastic gibe, the cutting down of associates. Sadly, these are too often the essence of our conversation. In our homes, wives weep and children finally give up under the barrage of criticism leveled by husbands and fathers. Criticism is the forerunner of divorce, the cultivator of rebellion, sometimes a catalyst that leads to failure. …
“I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort.”

The Apostle Paul taught similar principles to the Ephesians: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Ephesians 4:29). According to this scripture, all our communication should uplift others and strengthen them in the Lord.

Sarcasm Is No Joke

As I’ve observed sarcasm in social interactions, I’ve noted that those who use it tend to underestimate its negative effects because they assume that what they say is humorous instead of hurtful. People who use sarcasm often think their targets are too sensitive or naïve when feelings get hurt.  “She just can’t take a joke,” they say. In more disturbing cases, sarcasm communicates contempt for others and gives people the “dishonest opportunity to wound without looking like they’re wounding.”  If someone feels hurt by such sarcasm, the one who made the verbal jab will often respond with something like, “I was only teasing! Lighten up.”

Parents and siblings who use sarcasm against young children often cause more damage than they ever intend. Studies show that children as young as five years old can detect sarcasm immediately.  Although children discern sarcasm, they don’t have the ability to understand it fully. This unequal power changes parental sarcasm from a joke into a form of bullying. 

 These darling girls, Tacy on the left, and Angie on the right -- Have you noticed children don't use sarcasm?

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has taught that we must be extremely careful in how we communicate with children: “Be constructive in your comments to a child—always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget—and to forgive.”

 When used to correct others, sarcasm is often interpreted as more offensive, mocking, and aggressive than direct.  Whereas sarcasm stems from light-mindedness where nothing is taken seriously, true humor blossoms from lightheartedness and helps cultivate beautiful, healthy family relationships.

                          
 This photo of Jeremy holding a snake, shows childhood innocence.  We love children for their sweetness.

Honest correction is necessary—especially in parent-child relationships—in order for families to flourish. Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explained that “the invitation to repent is an expression of love. …A permissive parent, an indulgent friend, a fearful Church leader are in reality more concerned about themselves than the welfare and happiness of those they could help.”  Nothing about sarcasm communicates an increase of love.

Recent Internet trends have shown that cyberbullying—the use of technology such as cell phones, computers, social media, and websites to humiliate another person—has proliferated. Statistics estimate that 42 percent of young children and teenagers have been bullied.

Elder Quentin L. Cook of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has taught against all forms of cyberbullying:  “One of your greatest protections against making bad choices is to not put on any mask of anonymity. If you ever find yourself wanting to do so, please know it is a serious sign of danger and one of the adversary’s tools to get you to do something you should not do. …
What we are seeing in society is that when people wear the mask of anonymity, they are more likely to engage in this kind of conduct, which is so destructive of civil discourse. It also violates the basic principles the Savior taught.”  (End of Ensign article.)

This painting of our Savior was done by Kamran Mafi, a University Art Professor that we met in Sweden on our mission there.  He had taught art in a University in Tehran, Iran, before going to jail for defying the government.  We have it in our home.  See blog # 51, about our Swedish Senior Mission, Dec. 27, 2013

I don't think I am overly sensitive, and I try not to take offense.  But I'm going to really try to not be sarcastic!  That would be a good New Year's Resolution!