279. Dating and Marriage, from "How Do I Love Thee?" by Elder Jeffrey Holland.

This was based on a BYU Devotional by Elder Jeffrey Holland.

• DATING & MARRIAGE
• 1

10 Love And Dating Lessons We Can Learn From Elder Holland

BY SAMANTHA SHELLEY · OCTOBER 17, 2014

This article was based on Elder Holland’s BYU devotional, “How Do I Love Thee?”. I recommend it to everyone. 

1. Dating should not be separated from discipleship.

Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness.

Too often, we allow ourselves to take a different approach to dating than we do the rest of our lives. We allow emotions, lusts, and other things to silence the Spirit, and we believe we have a certain right to be dishonest, or even sometimes mean. While dating is certainly a minefield to navigate, and it’s not always easy to do so without hurting feelings, we should do our very best to maintain integrity and Christ-like love for others in all our dating endeavors.

2. Love comes from God, so you’ll need to seek Him to find it.

“Wherefore, . . . pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons [and daughters] of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; . . . that we may be purified even as he is pure.”  – Moroni 7:47–48

If your love doesn’t bring you closer to God, it’s not love. If it doesn’t yield the fruits of the spirit – peace, joy, charity, and all those other good things, it’s not love. I believe love is the greatest gift God has given us, and we can’t possess it without Him. Not the kind that lasts, anyway.

3. Love is a verb – an action word – and isn’t just a rush of feelings.

It doesn’t come without effort and it doesn’t come without patience, but, like salvation itself, in the end it is a gift, given by God to the “true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ.” The solutions to life’s problems are always gospel solutions.

True love blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves.

It’s for this reason that I don’t believe in “love at first sight”, or getting engaged after three weeks. Love requires time. It involves regularly and constantly putting someone else’s wellbeing before your own, and being willing to make sacrifices for the happiness of another person. It’s very different from infatuation, which typically involves a rush of feelings and a twitterpated obsession with someone.

4. Love shouldn’t make you selfish.

There are many qualities you will want to look for in a friend or a serious date—to say nothing of a spouse and eternal companion—but surely among the very first and most basic of those qualities will be those of care and sensitivity toward others, a minimum of self-centeredness that allows compassion and courtesy to be evident.

We sometimes become so infatuated with the other person that we start to neglect other important responsibilities, such as service and friendship. Love should make you want to be better, and shouldn’t cause you to spend all of your time watching movies on the couch with someone. You’re not much use to Heavenly Father while you’re doing that.

5. Love that which is not fleeting.

I suppose no one is as handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of varied talents and fortunes that we can’t always command, I think that makes even more attractive the qualities we can command—such qualities as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, and true delight in the accomplishment of another. These cost us nothing, and they can mean everything to the one who receives them.

This is one of my favorite quotes in the world, and I invite you to read it as often as you need to – whenever you feel “not enough”.

6. Finding true love requires us to take leaps of faith and be vulnerable.

No serious courtship or engagement or marriage is worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it and in so doing trust ourselves totally to the one we love. You cannot succeed in love if you keep one foot out on the bank for safety’s sake.

We need to stop being scared to commit “just in case” there’s something better out there. If someone doesn’t feel right for you, that’s totally fine. Don’t date them. But if they have the qualities you’re looking for, and you make each other happy, and they love God, move forward! Don’t be paralyzed by fear.

7. Don’t be self-absorbed.

In all that Christ was, He was not ever envious or inflated, never consumed with His own needs. He did not once, not ever, seek His own advantage at the expense of someone else. He delighted in the happiness of others, the happiness He could bring them. He was forever kind.

Dating isn’t about finding someone who ticks every box on your list. It’s about finding someone who you are truly compatible with, and can progress with forever. Remember that you’ll need to be worthy for your spouse – it’s not a one-way street.

8. Be with someone who makes you happy, not someone who makes you anxious.

In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve watched people continue dating someone who’s wrong for them because they’re infatuated, and they’re just too scared to end it and be alone. I’ve been guilty of it myself. God isn’t the author of confusion or fear. Keep that in mind when dating.

9. Don’t fault-find or be quick to take offense.

Temper tantrums are not cute even in children; they are despicable in adults, especially adults who are supposed to love each other. We are too easily provoked; we are too inclined to think that our partner meant to hurt us—meant to do us evil, so to speak; and in defensive or jealous response we too often rejoice when we seethem make a mistake and find them in a fault. Let’s show some discipline on this one. Act a little more maturely. Bite your tongue if you have to. “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city” (Proverbs 16:32).

Don’t spend your dating relationships looking for “red flags”, and reasons that someone isn’t good enough for you. Recognize that you both have weaknesses. We often make dating one big game of who can hide their weaknesses long enough for someone to love them. That’s not what it’s about. Love isn’t about being blind to someone’s flaws, it’s about seeing them and loving them anyway.

Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad.

10. Trust God, be believing, and try not to freak out.

Bear up and be strong. Be hopeful and believing. Some things in life we have little or no control over. These have to be endured. Some disappointments have to be lived with in love and in marriage.

Dating isn't easy, and we all know it. So do your best to stay close to the Lord, who doesn’t want you to be unhappy. He will help you. He will lift you up and guide you.

Another writer also commented on Elder Holland's talk:

Discipleship and Dating

BY JARED WHITLEY

---

Young adults can find greater happiness and success in dating when principles of discipleship guide their actions.

As Latter-day Saint young adults participate in dating, what guidelines should they follow to help ensure a positive experience? Although there are many books, news articles, and websites that suggest rules for dating etiquette, many also suggest patterns of behavior that can be manipulative and selfish.

As I have dated, I have learned that the pattern to follow was outlined simply by the Savior Jesus Christ when He said, “Love thy neighbour as thyself” (Mark 12:31). As you date, consider the following rules of conduct based on principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Honesty

It may seem obvious that you shouldn’t tell a lie, but omitting information or bending the truth are also forms of bearing false witness. For example, if a young man asks out a young woman, and she tells him, “I’m busy,” when she means, “Thanks, but I’m not interested,” she is not being honest. Of course, honesty is certainly no excuse for verbal cruelty, but a sweetly worded rejection will typically not ruin any friendship or cause undue discomfort when you see the individual at church on Sunday. Honesty means that as you get to know the person you are dating and that person gets to know you, you avoid exaggeration, embellishment, and false behavior.

Humility

Often in dating, a person’s own ego can be his or her greatest liability. The Lord wisely counsels, “Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it” (Luke 17:33). Avoid focusing on yourself. Instead of dominating the conversation, let the other person share his or her thoughts and feelings. By recognizing that relationships are about building and strengthening one another, you will be able to cultivate a successful and meaningful relationship.

Forgiveness

Opening yourself to love can leave you vulnerable to the possibility of heartache, unkindness, or infidelity. If you experience such negative side effects of love, it can be difficult to avoid unkind feelings toward the other person—especially if the romance goes sour. Learning to forgive in dating may be difficult, but developing this Christlike attribute will help ensure greater happiness now and in marriage. Similarly, the ability to overcome the pain of rejection without becoming bitter toward the individual involved (or the opposite gender entirely) is a great sign of spiritual maturity.

Uplifting Speech

In the scriptures we read: “The tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!” (James 3:5). This certainly applies to dating.

Verbal abuse is usually easy to recognize, and we rightly condemn such behavior. But what might be termed a milder form of unkind speech, including put-downs or excessive teasing, can also be hurtful and should be avoided in any dating situation. Remember what one of our hymns teaches: “Let us oft speak kind words to each other.”¹ We are to speak kind words oft, not infrequently. In this regard, President Marion G. Romney (1897–1988), First Counselor in the First Presidency, counseled, “Let us … resolve to control our tongues and by speaking kind words to each other emulate the loving kindness of our Lord.”²

Dating the Lord’s Way

I have found that the principles discussed above are essential for living a Christ-centered life. I have also learned that conducting myself according to these standards has brought me greater happiness. If we are ever tempted to be less than our best selves with those we date, let us remember that righteous behavior in dating forms the foundation for successful relationships and marriage, both in this world and in the eternities.

The author lives in Virginia, USA.

Be a True Disciple

“Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness. How should I love thee? As He does, for that way ‘never faileth’ [1 Corinthians 13:8; Moroni 7:46].”

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “How Do I Love Thee?” New Era, Oct. 2003, 8.